C. C. Finlay (ccfinlay) wrote,
C. C. Finlay

News from the Future


Washington DC / January 21, 2013

Yesterday Mitt Romney was inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States. Today he issued pink slips to members of Congress and federal courts, including all their staff.

“The American people have spoken and they want smaller government,” Romney said during this morning’s press conference at the White House.

"This is definitely smaller," he added.

Romney explained that American democracy can't be everything to everyone, so it was time to focus on the core business of being America and divest its interest in democracy.

Explaining that democracy is messy and requires compromise, Romney said that was no way to run a business.

“We can create a leaner, meaner, more efficient government by eliminating the Legislative and Judicial branches,” he said.

When asked who was going to take over those government functions, Romney said that they would be outsourced.

“Obviously, we will give preference to American corporations first, but all options are being considered,” Romney said.

Analysts believe the “all options” statement refers to the New York Times report that a Singaporean firm has established a company called “Swift Justice,” which will franchise caning stations across the United States. The news was leaked when it emerged that a co-location and promotion deal has been inked with Raising Cane’s chicken finger restaurants.

Democratic congressmen protesting the move were arrested and strip searched. Senator Max Baucus (D-MT) was pulled aside when federal police discovered his pacemaker, declaring it a possible weapon of terror.

In a separate statement, the administration announced that it was giving the president a $15 million dollar bonus for making these cuts.

“We want to publicly recognize the difficult work that President Romney is doing,” said White House Press Secretary Matt Rhoades.

“Romney isn’t just the Commander-in-Chief, he’s the Commander-in-Chief-Executive-Officer,” Rhoads added.
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