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ccfinlay

Five Football Teams That Need New Mascots

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Feb. 5th, 2011 | 06:45 am



On Sunday the Green Bay Packers meet the Pittsburgh Steelers for SuperBowl XLV in an epic match-up of obsolete rustbelt mascots. Packers? Steelers? Let’s face facts: these days in Green Bay the football team employs more people than the packing industry, and there isn’t a single steel mill left in the city of Pittsburgh.

It’s the 21st century, baby! So what would happen if we renamed sports teams to reflect the industries and personalities of their cities today?




The Pittsburgh Healthcare Workers.
When they get injured they treat themselves.


5. The Seattle Frappuccinos

Number of seahawks in Washington state: About 1,000

Number of coffee shops in Seattle: About 10,000


Photobucket

"I’ll have a fish latte’ please."


Everyone has heard of “Seattle’s Best Coffee” – has anyone ever heard the phrase “Seattle’s Best Seabirds”? I don’t think so. Caffeine is a ubiquitous stimulant, a daily part of our lives. It can be scalding hot. It has bite. And Seattle's Starbucks Coffee is a ruthless competitor, expanding into other cities and crushing the local coffee competition.

What caffeinated beverage is more emblematic of coffee’s toughness than the frappuccino? Thirty years ago we had never heard of frappuccinos. Now, thanks to Seattle’s most famous roaster, they dominate the American landscape. Just like your football team will dominate the league, Seattle. Think about it.

Other names to consider: The Seattle Barristas, The Seattle Jitters


4. The New York Commuters

Both the Jets and the Giants play in the Meadowlands… which is in NEW JERSEY. Like many self-indentifying New Yorkers, these football teams are “from” the city but can only afford to live elsewhere. The truth is, no figure is more iconic, no one better represents New York, than the commuter. Dedicated, fearless, willing to endure pain and discomfort, committed to long hours.

Choose the commuter as your mascot and it opens up a whole new world of metaphors. The O-Line is packed tighter than the rush hour L Train. A desperate quarterback is calling audibles like someone hailing a taxi in the rain.




Shonn Greene demonstrates his new
nickname, "The Subway."


Other names to consider: The New Jersey New Yorkers, The Fighting Giuliannis




The New York City Cabbies.
Think of the awesome yellow uniforms.



3. The Kansas City Tweakers

Chiefs are so 1800s. How many people today have seen a real live chief? It's not the intimidating image that it once was.




If they were the Kansas City Master Chiefs
that would be different.


Modern America is all about entrepreneurship. It’s about the little guy creating his own business, defying the authorities and naysayers, and making his own success. Right? Right. And nothing says rugged individualism like the meth lab. So it’s no surprise that Missouri, the heartland of America, leads the nation in meth labs. Frankly, it’s not even close.

Meth has strong positive associations with speed, with exacting attention to little details, with high energy, and with violence – all things that we admire in football teams! The Kansas City Tweakers would be a celebration of local industry, the American spirit, and the essence of great football.




Historically, Native Americans are known
for playing lacrosse and slots.


Other names to consider: The Kansas City DEA Agents, The Kansas City Steaks




Or maybe the Kansas City BBQs.
Sure, it doesn’t make any sense
but we love Kansas City BBQ.



2. The Buffalo Bill Collectors

Buffalo is one of those old manufacturing cities like Green Bay or Pittsburgh that wears its rustbelt with all the pride of a prize-winning professional wrestler. But Buffalo’s mascot--a guy named Bill--is an older ideal than the Packers or Steelers.




e.e. cummings wrote a famous poem
titled “Buffalo Bill’s defunct” because
Bill wore funky pimpin' outfits.


Everyone knows the old industry is gone, but few people know that the new booming business in Buffalo is debt collection. Bill collectors are a perfect mascot for football. They’re relentless in pursuit. They resort to all kinds of tricks and stunts to confuse opponents and make them drop their guard. They never quit. Bill collectors are known for their toughness, their ruthlessness, and their take-no-prisoners attitude.




"We don’t take prisoners
but we will take all your cash."


If you’re still not persuaded, Buffalo, then consider this: are more people afraid of bills or bill collectors? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Other names to consider: The Buffalo Foreclosures, The Buffalo Check Cashers


1. The Cleveland Browns

Yes, yes, they’re called the Browns already. But that's in honor of the legendary Paul Brown, the team's first coach.




In baseball, Cincinnati named its team “The Reds”
to honor their first coach, Vladimir Lenin.


Let's go back to basics with the word brown. Because brown is the color of empty lots and boarded-up factories. Brown is the color of the snow in Cleveland after it’s been on the ground half a day. Brown is the color of the Cuyahoga River as it flows into Lake Erie. Is there any city in America that’s more brown than Cleveland?




Brownsville, Texas is a light tan.


Brown is the beater Chevy pick-up parked on your sidewalk. Brown is the guy with a shovel working down in the mud. Brown is a junkyard dog. What can Brown do for you? Brown can kick your motherfucking ass, motherfucker. That’s what Brown can do for you.


Other names to consider: The Cleveland Shits, The Cleveland Drifters




According to this unofficial tourism video
Cleveland leads the nation in drifters.




I don't pretend this is a complete list, so feel free to make your own suggestions in the comments.

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Comments {43}

HominySnark

(no subject)

from: hominysnark
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 12:09 pm (UTC)
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Last time I checked, jaguars were not native to Florida (we do have the Florida Panther, but the Carolinas done stole that name) so I propose this new name for their team --

The Jacksonville PAPER MILL STINK OMG

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C. C. Finlay

(no subject)

from: ccfinlay
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 02:24 pm (UTC)
Link

Mmm, the sweet sweet odor of industrial-scale of boiled cabbage.

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charmingbillie

(no subject)

from: charmingbillie
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 01:13 pm (UTC)
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Thank you for doing this sort of intense, focused, difficult thinking, so the rest of us don't have to.

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C. C. Finlay

(no subject)

from: ccfinlay
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 02:24 pm (UTC)
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I'm here for you, Deb.

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Marissa Lingen

Kansas City Steak or BBQ

from: mrissa
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 02:00 pm (UTC)
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Omaha actually had a professional indoor football team called the Omaha Beef. Might still have. I am trying desperately to forget what the cheerleaders were called.

...oh, all right, I believe they were the Patties.

Sigh.

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HominySnark

Re: Kansas City Steak or BBQ

from: hominysnark
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 02:14 pm (UTC)
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Ugh.

I'm quite biased, but I think the Buccaneers have the best-named cheerleaders, for they are the Swashbucklers.

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C. C. Finlay

Re: Kansas City Steak or BBQ

from: ccfinlay
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 02:27 pm (UTC)
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Don't you have get tired of the "walking my plank" jokes?

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HominySnark

Re: Kansas City Steak or BBQ

from: hominysnark
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 02:47 pm (UTC)
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Since yours is the first I've heard, no, not really.

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C. C. Finlay

Re: Kansas City Steak or BBQ

from: ccfinlay
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 02:50 pm (UTC)
Link

"Don't you have get..." - Gah! The real joke here is either my grammar or proofreading skills.

And it's skulls-and-crossbones on the innuendo humor for me from here on.


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HominySnark

Re: Kansas City Steak or BBQ

from: hominysnark
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 03:02 pm (UTC)
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Ha! I didn't even notice it until you pointed it out.

Now there's your joke.

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C. C. Finlay

Re: Kansas City Steak or BBQ

from: ccfinlay
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 03:13 pm (UTC)
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:-P *thppppltt*

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C. C. Finlay

Re: Kansas City Steak or BBQ

from: ccfinlay
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 02:26 pm (UTC)
Link

I have this sudden, horrifying vision of cheerleaders waving pom-poms that look like ground chuck.

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Marissa Lingen

Re: Kansas City Steak or BBQ

from: mrissa
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 02:44 pm (UTC)
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Yah, my dad and I had a lot of jokes about auxiliary groups and props and like that. Because what else can you do.

Other than move away from Omaha, which we did.

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C. C. Finlay

Re: Kansas City Steak or BBQ

from: ccfinlay
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 02:51 pm (UTC)
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Your dad sounds awesome.

Omaha, maybe not so much.

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Marissa Lingen

Re: Kansas City Steak or BBQ

from: mrissa
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 08:10 pm (UTC)
Link

If you do this for college teams, do not put Cornhuskers on the list. When I lived in Nebraska, I husked a fair amount of corn. Of course, I do here, too. But still.

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Rae Carson

Re: Kansas City Steak or BBQ

from: raecarson
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 05:05 pm (UTC)
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The Patties. *dies* *is ashamed for human race*

Reply | Parent | Thread

karen_w_newton

(no subject)

from: karen_w_newton
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 03:07 pm (UTC)
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I live in the DC area and am therefore a Redskins fan (yes, pray for me), but I concur with those who lambaste the team for its name, which reeks of cultural insensitivity, at best, and racism at worst. My solution would be that if they want to keep the name, they should change the mascot to ... a redskin potato!

As vegetables are unlikely to be offended by mascot status, I think it's the perfect solution. And we could reuse the fight song:

Hail to the Redskins!
Hail Victory!
Spuds on the menu!
Fight for old D.C.!
Peel or dice or slice -- we want a lot more!
Mash'em, fry 'em,
Scalloped! -- Let the carbs soar!
Fight on, fight on 'til you have won
Sons of Wash-ing-ton. Rah!, Rah!, Rah!
Hail to the Redskins!
Hail Victory!
Spuds on the menu!
Fight for old D.C.!

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C. C. Finlay

(no subject)

from: ccfinlay
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 03:12 pm (UTC)
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Also the perfect mascot for those of us fans who are couch potatoes!

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(Deleted comment)

C. C. Finlay

(no subject)

from: ccfinlay
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 03:41 pm (UTC)
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I like the way you think!

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stillnotbored

(no subject)

from: stillnotbored
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 04:48 pm (UTC)
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The Dallas Cowboys got a new coach, but I think they need a new name too. I mean really, when was the last time you saw a cowboy ride down the street in Dallas?

They do have rhinestone cowboys, but The Dallas Rhinestones doesn't have the right edge. Then there are the monster trucks that appear to be a feature in every Texas city, but The Dallas Monster Trucks or The Dallas Chevy Posse might have copyright issues.

None of those truly encompass the spirit of the city, the true essence. When I stop to think of Dallas--which is rare--I always think of oil...and oily.

The Dallas Slicks.

That might be perfect.

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Rae Carson

(no subject)

from: raecarson
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 04:55 pm (UTC)
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The Dallas Douchebags? The Dallas Misogynists? (I like the Dallas Slicks, tho...)

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stillnotbored

(no subject)

from: stillnotbored
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 05:46 pm (UTC)
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Naw...the misogynists make all the noise and get all the attention, but there are too many nice guys down here to paint the whole area in that light.

I think I'll stick to The Dallas Slicks.

Although...The Rhinestone Slicks would be a kickass name for a band. *g*

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C. C. Finlay

(no subject)

from: ccfinlay
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 05:10 pm (UTC)
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They become famous for letting the ball slip through their fingers.

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stillnotbored

(no subject)

from: stillnotbored
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 05:47 pm (UTC)
Link

How true, how true...

(what's really scary is that I know this stuff now)

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woolysw

(no subject)

from: woolysw
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 05:35 pm (UTC)
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Well, technically it's a DFW regional thing, since the old stadium was in Irving and the new stadium is in Arlington, but the "DFW Cowboys" (or whatever) doesn't quite have the same ring.

Actually, cowboys ride down the streets of Fort Worth every day, herding longhorns for the tourists. It happens just north of downtown in the Stock Yards, which today is a tourist location and not really stock yards anymore.

And ignoring the evening soap 'Dallas' (shudder), in terms of industry the DFW area is seriously diversified, with finance, telco, and defense industries. Which has helped us considerably the past couple of recessions.

So the "DFW Bankers"? "DFW Spreadsheets"? "DFW Phones"? "DFW Defenders"?

Reply | Parent | Thread

stillnotbored

(no subject)

from: stillnotbored
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 05:50 pm (UTC)
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The six month Texas resident stands corrected, her joke stepped on, mashed and reduced to...an oil slick. *g*

Must have been somewhere else I saw all the oil derricks while driving through.

Reply | Parent | Thread

woolysw

(no subject)

from: woolysw
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 09:15 pm (UTC)
Link

Must have been somewhere else. Almost all the drilling rigs popping up in the DFW area (especially in the urban areas) are drilling for natural gas as part of the North Texas' Barnett Shale formation exploration, not for oil. And "gas slick" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

Welcome to Texas!

Reply | Parent | Thread

Stone of stumbling and rock of offense

(no subject)

from: wordweaverlynn
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 06:44 pm (UTC)
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The DFW Data Centers!

Reply | Parent | Thread

Rae Carson

(no subject)

from: raecarson
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 07:18 pm (UTC)
Link

HA! That made me LOL.

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Rae Carson

(no subject)

from: raecarson
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 05:04 pm (UTC)
Link

I'd like to suggest the San Francisco Consultants.

Did you know that in the city of San Francisco, consultants outnumber gold prospecting 49ers by approximately eleventy kajillion to zero?

And no one is more badass than the Consultant. He doesn't bother with pansy-ass locker room speeches--he has a motivational system. He finds holes in offensive strategy like a Lombardi winner on 'roids. The Consultant will wipe the field with your outdated spread option and get paid seven figures to do it. Afterward, you'll thank him.

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C. C. Finlay

(no subject)

from: ccfinlay
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 05:07 pm (UTC)
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Awesome!

And it's the first team whose cheerleaders show up dressed in business casual.

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Stone of stumbling and rock of offense

(no subject)

from: wordweaverlynn
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 06:46 pm (UTC)
Link

Clearly this is a two-genius marriage.

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C. C. Finlay

(no subject)

from: ccfinlay
date: Feb. 11th, 2011 04:54 pm (UTC)
Link

That's what she said!

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asatomuraki

(no subject)

from: asatomuraki
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 05:35 pm (UTC)
Link

Oh, that is wonderful! Well done.

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C. C. Finlay

(no subject)

from: ccfinlay
date: Feb. 11th, 2011 04:55 pm (UTC)
Link

Thanks!

Reply | Parent | Thread

(no subject)

from: elysdir
date: Feb. 5th, 2011 07:16 pm (UTC)
Link

For Seattle, why not go all the way and call them the Seattle Starbucks?

If the coffee company threatens to sue, the team could (a) offer a business partnership, (b) claim to be named after the Moby Dick character (or the BSG character), and/or (c) claim to be named after the famed whaling family.

...I was going to suggest Seattle Buckstars, but I guess that runs too much risk of confusion with the Bucks.

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C. C. Finlay

(no subject)

from: ccfinlay
date: Feb. 11th, 2011 05:08 pm (UTC)
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For Buckstars I don't think the main problem is confusion with the Bucks as much as it is the obscene rhyming nicknames that opponents and disgrunted fans would immediately thrust upon the team.

With Starbucks, sponsorship would be the way to go. Unless it gave us cheerleading outfits that looked like giant coffee cups with living logos...

Reply | Parent | Thread

The Hamster Of Death

(no subject)

from: vampyrichamster
date: Feb. 6th, 2011 01:00 am (UTC)
Link

I don't even pretend to understand American football, but your post made me understand Vital Sports Facts(tm). Thank you, sir.

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C. C. Finlay

(no subject)

from: ccfinlay
date: Feb. 11th, 2011 04:54 pm (UTC)
Link

Sorry it's taken me a week to reply, but I'm glad I was able to help. Anything to help you acclimate to America.

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You see a boundary, I see a sidewalk

(no subject)

from: lysana
date: Feb. 6th, 2011 08:06 am (UTC)
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For Seattle, the name could go coffee shop-wards, but what about their patrons, who surely are even more numerous?

The Seattle Hipsters.

Alternate names: Seattle Code-pushers, the Fighting H1-Bs.

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C. C. Finlay

(no subject)

from: ccfinlay
date: Feb. 11th, 2011 04:52 pm (UTC)
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Our oldest son is ready to cheer for the Seattle Hipsters. But he would only be doing it ironically.

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barbarienne

(no subject)

from: barbarienne
date: Feb. 7th, 2011 04:19 pm (UTC)
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I have always thought the "Philadelphia Phillies" was a stupidly ambiguous and redundant name (WTF is a "Philly"?). I think "The Philadelphia Cheesesteaks" would make more sense.

There are eagles around here, but let's be honest, they have not bothered to make Vick perform any sort of public service to reverse the harm he did, so I think they may as well change the football team to "The Philadelphia Dog Fighters" and at least be honest about it.

The 76ers are okay. That makes sense, all things considered.

-----------

The Mets could have been the Mechanics, but there's a big move to clear all the chop-shops out of Willets Point.

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C. C. Finlay

(no subject)

from: ccfinlay
date: Feb. 11th, 2011 04:51 pm (UTC)
Link

Since "philo" means beloved or loving, I would guess that "Phillies" are lovers. Which doesn't sound all that manly, so let's be glad it's in a different language.

But it does explain the Philly Fanatic. If I looked like that, I'd probably be crazy for some lovin' too.

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